The Great Lasagna Catastrophe of 2007

So I'm down in the eBay Cafe, checking out the day's specials. Nothing jumps out at me, but lasagna sounds good, so I order one up. The guy asks, "Meat or veggie?" Oh, meat for me please, and can you put some extra meat in it? He takes it off the little shelf and plops it in the rotating heating oven. So far, so good.

Folks trickle in to get pizza from the same station, and their slices go into the same oven, and come out a few minutes later. My lasagna keeps going round, and round, and round. That's ok, lasagna is a lot thicker and they probably have a minimum amount of time they're required to put it in there to make sure it's really hot for health & safety reasons. Ok, that's fine.

A couple other folks come in and order veggie lasagnas. Their orders go into the oven too, in between slices of pizza that are being shuffled in & out. Ok, that's fine. One of the people who ordered the veggie version was this lady about as tall as my belly-button, and somehow she managed to squirm her way in front of me in the waiting line. That was annoying, but it didn't really matter because they serve your heated food based on the order in which you plased your order, not where you are physically stand. Ok, still so far, so good.

However, time seemd to be moving very, very slowly. Five minutes went by. Ten. The lasagnas continued to go round, and round, and round. People were getting very antsy & anxious, as was I. This was taking entirely too long. What if I had a meeting to go to? The Cafe folks may have nothing to do all day but prepare & serve food, but ordering & eating is something that doesn't get a lot of priority for me, so I need to finish the whole process with decent speed.

After about 15 minutes, the first veggie lasagna came out of the oven. Right after that, the guy extracted what I swore was my meat dish, and who tried to claim it but the amazing miniature woman who had slithered in front of me, still trying to pretend I wasn't there. I wasn't about to be wronged like that. I walked up and leaned in, essentially over her, reaching for the plate while confirming very loudly and clearly, "Meat? That's meat right?" Both the little woman and the Cafe guy said in unison, "Veggie." Hmm. Okay. That's just dandy now, isn't it. I was just annoyed. Now I was getting irritated.

As soon as that second lasagna was served up, though, the Cafe dude immediately started helping some pizza line folks who had been queueing up. Being the nice guy I am, I waited, knowing it would only take a matter of seconds for them to place their orders and for their pizza slices to be flicked into the oven. Well, another several minutes went by, and finally I practically jumped over the counter to interrupt one of the Cafe guys from his rounds of ignoring me. "Can I get my lasagna? I've been waiting for an unbelievably long time." He says "Oh, okay, meat or veggie?" You've got to be kidding me. Alright, maybe he has some sort of short-term memory loss. I'm going to maintain my composure, though. I'm determined. I respond as calmly as I can, "It's meat, I ordered it over 15 minutes ago -- it's right there in the oven." There was only one lasagna left in the oven. It wasn't hard to figure out. He took it out, boxed it, and sent me on my way. I paid at the checkout counter, and off I went back to my building, my floor, my desk. I opened the box expecting to have the best meat lasagna I've ever tried (made so by the fact that I was now starving, which tends to make everything taste 2x as good as it actually is). What did I find inside? Why, if it isn't a veggie lasagna. Freakin' A. That tiny vegetarian lady probably got herself a nice surprise by now. That'll teach her for trying to pull a smooth move on me & take my place.

Ah well, this veggie one smelled good anyhow, and like I said, I was starving, so this was going to be good. I carved out a nice round bite with a little bit of everything and dug in.


But something was not right.


What was this sensation I felt on my tongue? It was strange. Very strange. It felt a bit warm, but at the same time, a bit cold. Oh, no, was I burning my tongue? You know how if you've ever accidentally put a finger into really hot running water, it first felt cold for a fraction of a second? It was that sort of feeling, only the excruciating pain and fear that normally follows, wasn't following. I chewed it down, and took another bite, carefully this time right from the core. As I closed my mouth, I felt cold air inside. As I chewed, my teeth were chilled. Not only was it the wrong type of lasagna, but it was literally refrigerator cold, except for only the outermost 1/8th of an inch.

I ordered a quick hot premade meat lasagna, and walked out 20 minutes later with a cold veggie lasagna.

Worst food service experience, Ever.